It is surprising just how easy it is to lose yourself. You would think that losing touch would be difficult considering you follow yourself around every single day, think yourself through every task and watch the world through your own lens. But it isn’t.
Maybe you’ve fixed yourself before and you have become complacent – your band-aid fix has finally peeled away. Growth has stagnated, and inaction has taken over. Sometimes you don’t notice yourself slipping for far too long and when you finally take a moment to truly look at yourself it seems that the damage is far too devastating.
Over the past few months I have seriously deviated from my path. Whenever I pull myself out of the feelings of anxiety and detachment a sense of disorientation encompasses me. Where am I and what the hell am I doing?
A confession or two:
I allocate too much time to focusing on minute aspects of my appearance. I attempt to find self-worth in the pursuit of perfection in every aspect of life. I allow myself to wallow in a whirlwind of self-imposed pressure, deeming myself inadequate and undeserving of love, friendship, support and praise. I am overly sensitive to the feedback of others, good and bad. The belief that nothing I do or am is ever good enough surrounds me and I allow the smallest of inadequacies to envelop my thoughts. My mind spirals out of control. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I attempt to change everything and hide myself.
But, I have decided that it is time to reclaim myself. Reclaim myself from self-doubt, self-loathing and the constant feeling of never being good enough. It may not be a new year but I have made a resolution.
I am deciding that it is time to be free.
Time to free myself from obsessing over attaining perfection and the stress of applying too much pressure. I realise that yes, I have made a mess of my little world. But it is so messy that it has become art and I can find a lesson if I look hard enough.
There are so many things I need to fix in order to find my way again. But I am resolving to take steps to free myself from comparison and the idea that others are without fault. I aim to take steps to grow intellectually and emotionally through understanding and acceptance. Acceptance that I will never be perfect and shouldn’t try to be and the understanding that everyone is on their own path, separate from mine. I need to recognise and forgive myself for my faults and wrongdoings and allow myself time to re-establish self-confidence. I need to respect others and remember that every person I meet will teach me vital life lessons. I need to be patient with learning to love myself as I am, before attempting to make changes for fear I will focus on changing the wrong things.
I must make it my responsibility to go where I would like to go, be who I would like to be and feel how I would like to feel. I should not expect others to feed my self-esteem, but rather teach myself to view my own actions and abilities with critical, but kind, eyes. I must place more importance on the meaningful things in life, rather than the trivial and reclaim my mind, my soul and my life.
I am setting intentions to reclaim myself.